Rare Genetic Mutation Makes Cat Reasonable

Vancouver, BC, 2026-05-13—A Vancouver cat owner was surprised to learn that his cat has a rare genetic mutation that makes it reasonable.

Vancouver resident Elroy Phipps has owned several cats in his lifetime, but the unusual behaviour of his newest cat, Gary, caused him to take the cat to the vet. After a long set of diagnostic tests, Gary's DNA was sequenced and scientists were shocked.

"I knew Gary was different the moment I brought him home," said Phipps. "He jumped on my desk while I was working and did not sit on my keyboard. He regarded several pens with interest, but did not swat even one of them onto the floor."

"A couple of days later, he wanted to go out, but it was snowing. I opened the door and showed him the snow, and he went back inside. And for the rest of the day, he never asked to go out—not even once! And to top it off, when he saw the snow, he just went inside meekly and didn't even try to bite my ankle."

"The final straw that made me think Gary needed to be examined was when I woke up at 8:30AM on a Sunday, having had 9 hours of uninterrupted sleep. No zoomies at night. No sitting on my stomach. No paw on my cheek to wake me to feed him. It was completely uncanny!"

Scientists are hopeful they can splice Gary's reasonableness gene into other cats and raise an entire cohort of cats who aren't assholes. However, Phipps has mixed feelings. "Look, I love Gary, but I miss the usual cat spiciness, you know? It keeps me on my toes."

To that end, Phipps has started a new training course called "Be an Angry Howling Dickhead" to get Gary to behave more like a cat. If it is successful, he hopes to franchise it and help other cat owners to make their lives harder.