Totally True News

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World's First Trillionaire to Take Evil Laugh Lessons

Dallas, TX, 2026-06-15—Elon Musk, the world's first trillionaire, has decided to take evil laugh lessons. Read more...

Conservative Group Outraged at Light Fixture Design

Ottawa, ON, 2026-06-08—The Conservative group "REAL Women of Canada" is expressing outrage at a popular light fixture design. Read more...

Fact-Finding Committee to Update Aphorisms

Toronto, ON, 2026-06-05—Alicia Goldsmith, a professor of English at the University of Toronto, is heading up a committee to modify common English aphorisms to ensure their veracity. Read more...

Doug Ford to Procure Drones, Hire Troops to Defend against War on Cars

Toronto, ON, 2026-06-04—An obviously frustrated Doug Ford today said that he was sick of the war on cars and was preparing a counter-attack. Read more...

Name Mixup Proves Bonanza for Fredericton International Fine Artichokes, Inc.

Fredericton, NB, 2026-06-03—A small family business in Fredericton has reaped enormous benefits from a name mixup. Read more...

VIA Rail Introduces New Measures to Compete with Airlines

Montreal, QC, 2026-06-02—VIA Rail has announced a new program to help it compete with airlines, especially in the Quebec City - Windsor corridor. Read more...

Absence of Contact Proves Universe Teeming with Intelligent Life, says Researcher

Toronto, ON, 2026-06-01—Astronomer Fran Gerard of the University of Toronto says that the fact no alien life forms have attempted to contact us proves that the Universe is teeming with intelligent life. Read more...

Elon Musk Outraged at Simpsons Palette Update

Los Angeles, CA, 2026-05-29—Elon Musk posted a blistering Twitter tirade lambasting "The Simpsons" producer Matt Groening for updating the animated series' palette. Read more...

Dinosaurs Were Delicious, Declare Scientists

Edmonton, AB, 2026-05-28—Scientists with the University of Alberta have sequenced the genome of two species of dinosaur found preserved in glaciers, and have given a verdict of "delicious." Read more...

Donald Trump Sues President of the United States

Washington, DC, 2026-05-27—In a move legal experts are calling "unprecedented", Donald Trump has sued the President of the United States for $100 billion. Read more...

Belgium Proposes Unorthodox Solution to End Linguistic Divide

Brussels, BE, 2026-05-26—The Belgian government is proposing an unorthodox solution to the linguistic tension between the country's Dutch- and French-speaking communities. Read more...

New Brunswick Woman Protects Son with Space Suit

Moncton, NB, 2026-05-25—New Brunswick mom Ellen Steeles is facing push-back from her son's school after she sent him to school in a custom-made protective space suit. Read more...

Electricity, Magnetism File for Divorce

Saggitarius A*, 2026-05-22—In a move that has rocked the physics world, Electricity and Magnetism have filed for divorce. Read more...

Trump Executive Order Declares Metric System 'Woke'

Washington, DC, 2026-05-21—President Trump signed an executive order declaring the metric system 'woke' and forbidding its use by any scientists who receive funding from the US government. Read more...

Alberta UCP Moots Novel Redistricting Proposal

Edmonton, AB, 2026-05-20—The Alberta United Conservative Party has floated a new proposal to end fighting over the drawing of electoral boundaries. Read more...

McDonald's Addresses Unhealthiness of Fast Food

Chicago, IL, 2026-05-19—Hamburger giant McDonald's is addressing concerns by shareholders that its food is unhealthy, and has made changes to ensure it remains profitable. Read more...

Trump DOJ Issues Subpoenas for Health Data of Left-Handed People

Washington, DC 2026-05-18—The US Department of Justice has issued subpoenas to multiple hospitals nationwide demanding details about left-handed patients. Read more...

Google, Facebook, TikTok to Require DNA Samples

Palo Alto, California, 2026-05-15—Internet giants Google, Facebook and TikTok have announced that users will be required to submit DNA samples to continue using their platforms as of October 1st, 2026. Read more...

AI-Powered Coffee Mug Solves Vexing Mug Problems

Edmonton, AB, 2026-05-14—An Edmonton startup has unveiled an AI-powered coffee mug that it claims can solve the many annoying and long-standing problems with existing mugs. Read more...

Rare Genetic Mutation Makes Cat Reasonable

Vancouver, BC, 2026-05-13—A Vancouver cat owner was surprised to learn that his cat has a rare genetic mutation that makes it reasonable. Read more...

U.S. Auto-Makers Promote Live-In Vehicles

Detroit, MI, 2026-05-12—With consumers facing an affordability and housing crisis, U.S. auto-makers are promoting the idea of living in your vehicle. Read more...

Real Estate Agents Pivot During Market Downturn

Toronto, ON, 2026-05-11—With the downturn in Canada's real estate market, some agents are getting creative with ways to supplement their income. Read more...

First Extra-Terrestrial Message Decoded—and it is Spam

Waterloo, ON, 2026-05-08—After decades of scanning the sky, scientists have finally decoded a message from aliens. And it turned out to be spam. Read more...

Law Firm Sues The Planetary Society on Behalf of Roman Gods

Pasadena, CA, 2026-05-07—The Planetary Society is being sued by a law firm claiming that certain planet names were used without permission of the Roman gods who originally bore those names. Read more...

Clickbait Researchers Make Amazing Discovery... and You Won't Believe what Happened Next

Toronto, ON 2026-05-06—Researchers from the University of Toronto have made an amazing discovery about clickbait, and it will blow your mind. Read more...

Spat Between Furniture, Brick Retailers Escalates

Edmonton, AB, 2026-05-05—The spat between furniture retailer "The Brick" and brick retailer "The Sofa" has escalated as threats of lawsuits are exchanged. Read more...

Millions Face Another Tedious May 4th

Los Angeles, CA, 2026-05-04—Millions of partners of "Star Wars" fans face another tedious May 4th. Read more...

Secretive Defense Company Finds Missing Combat Robot

Washington, D.C., 2026-05-01—The secretive defense company Autonomous Battlefield Systems, Inc. announced that a prototype combat robot, missing for over a year, has been located. Read more...

Backlash as Victoria Restaurant Sets Lowest Tip Amount at 35%

Victoria, British Columbia, 2026-04-30—The popular eatery The Queen's Diner in Victoria, BC, is facing backlash after programming its point-of-sales terminals to have a suggested minimum tip amount of 35%. Read more...

Oshawa Man Fails Rorschach Test Three Times in a Row

Oshawa, Ontario, 2026-04-29—Oshawa carpenter Ernie Williamson, 53, was told to find another therapist after he failed the Rorschach Test three times in a row. Read more...

Schrödinger's Cat Allegedly Behind Attacks on Pavlov's Dog

Darmstadt, Germany, 2026-04-28—A nasty spat has developed between two neighbours who are descendants of famous scientists, as they bicker over the behaviour of their pets. Read more...

Literary World Shocked as Professor Proves Shakespeare Plagiarized All of his Works

St. John's, Newfoundland, 2026-04-27—The literary world has been rocked by a Memorial University mathematics professor's proof that all of Shakespeare's works are in fact plagiarized. Read more...

Dildo, Newfoundland Embarks on New Tourism Campaign

Dildo, Newfoundland, 2026-04-24—The small town of Dildo, Newfoundland, is embarking on a creative marketing campaign that it hopes will double tourist visits to the town. Read more...

Florida Passes "Don't Say G**" Law

Talahassee, Florida, 2026-04-23—In a vote along party lines, the Florida legislature has passed a so-called "Don't Say G**" law. Read more...

Halifax Inventor Announces New VR Noise-Canceling Headphones for Vengeful Neighbours

Halifax, Nova Scotia, 2026-04-22—Jacob Hensley, a Halifax engineer, has developed new noise-canceling headphones that include virtual reality goggles. Read more...

Mystery of Cat Domestication Solved

Vancouver, British Columbia, 2026-04-21—University of British Columbia researchers have finally solved a major mystery surrounding the domestication of cats. Read more...

ICE Incarcerates Newborn Born on US-Bound Flight

New York, NY, 2026-04-20—ICE agents have taken a newborn into custody after he was born on a New York-bound flight from Amsterdam. Read more...

Jesus Admits it Might Take Three or Four More Comings to Do the Job

Heaven, 2026-04-17—A frustrated Jesus has admitted that he probably can't fix everything in one go this time around. Read more...

Study Shows Canadians Order "Double-Double" Only Because of Peer Pressure

Edmonton, Alberta 2026-04-16—A study conducted by the University of Alberta has revealed that most Canadians who order a "Double-Double" do so only because of peer pressure, not because they actually like the taste. Read more...

Trump Threatens "Crazy Bastards" if They Do Not Open Pennsylvania Avenue

Washington, DC, 2026-04-15—President Donald Trump has lashed out at Washington City Hall over ongoing construction on Pennsylvania Avenue. Read more...

Moon on Track to Become Canada's 11th Province

The Moon, 2026-04-14—In a stunning announcement, Prime Minister Mark Carney has announced that the Moon is on track to become Canada's 11th province. Read more...

Canada Post to Halt Delivery Except to One Toronto Post Office

Ottawa, Ontario, 2026-04-13—In an attempt to stanch the torrent of mounting losses, Canada Post has announced that it is halting the delivery of mail and packages except to one specific Toronto post office. Read more...

Political Shocker as Chicken Crosses the Road to Join the Ducks

Ottawa, Ontario, 2026-04-10—Political observers were stunned as Egglentine Egglu, a long-time Chicken, crossed the road to join the Ducks. Read more...

Ottawa LRT Unexpectedly Runs for 24 Hours with No Problems

Ottawa, Ontario, 2026-04-09—In a completely unexpected development, the Ottawa light rail system has run for 24 hours with no problems. Read more...

Carney Unwittingly Turbocharges Fetish Site sexxxy-elbows.com

Cobourg, Ontario, 2026-04-08—Chad Feenster, 45, a Cobourg webmaster, could not be more pleased with Prime Minister Carney and his "Elbows Up" rhetoric. Read more...

Winnipeg Man uses Notwithstanding Clause to Override Date-Night Movie Pick

Winnipeg, Manitoba, 2026-04-07—Controversy has erupted in Winnipeg after Cory Tweedsmuir, 33, invoked the Notwithstanding Clause to override his wife, 34-year-old Stacey Marchenko, when it came to picking the date night movie. Read more...