National Greeting Card Day

That's right! Today is National Greeting Card Day! What better way than buying a greeting card is there to celebrate your loved ones? Or gloat over your enemies? Or one-up your coworker who never gave you a Christmas card last year?

You don't need a reason to buy a greeting card. Are you so shallow that you celebrate your mother only once a year? Or so callous that you send a get well card only after someone gets sick, instead of preemptively? Shame on you!

We have cards for every occasion, and for no occasion at all. Our new Earth Day card line that plays "It's a Small World" when you open it now has five percent less arsenic and heavy metals in its electronics and almost no mercury in its battery. And fifty cents of each sale from our passive-aggressive revenge card lineup goes to a certified Voodoo practitioner who will give those cards that extra little oomph!

Did you know that today, about 22 million people are celebrating their birthdays? Just because you don't know them personally, does that mean they don't deserve a card? Shame on you!

So celebrate your spouse or partner or sibling or parent or child or grandparent or grandchild or boss or employee or cousin or enemy or yourself today!

Finally, we ask: Are you fed up with greeting card companies commercializing everything? Tired of consumer culture? Annoyed at the despoiling of vital resources for trivial reasons? Don't worry; we have a card for that.